News of the Weird

Five articles about Aliens

By Claire Tierney
Editor-in-Chief

Gullible government

Mr. Montgomery, a small time gambler and alien abduction veteran, sold the United States some bogus defense software for $20 million. Montgomery convinced the FBI and CIA that his presumably alien proof software could detect “secret Al-Qaeda messages embedded in video pixels on Al Jazeera’s news website.” As of now, Montgomery has not been charged with wrongdoing by the US government and is not likely to be, as apparently the agencies do not want to publicize their gullibility.

UFO’s repel voters

After Ruth Parks lost the election for treasurer of Horseshoe Bend, Ark., she sued on grounds that there was a conspiracy by the mayor and police chief. The court turned the appeal down, concluding that the voters, and not her conspiracy, were responsible for her defeat. Her loss has been attributed to her well known belief in aliens and UFO’s, as well as her and her husband’s conflicting views on the subject. She insists that she has not been abducted by aliens, while her husband insists that she had been, many times, and that they left scars.

Alien house party

Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, Governor of the Russian republic Kalmykia, reported on television that he was abducted in a space ship in 1997 and forced to communicate telepathically with aliens, and then later “entertained some in his apartment.” A crisis immediately emerged in which concern over the protection of state secrets arose. Next, concern over Ilyumzhinov’s chess skills arose, as he was a world champion at the time. Amidst all this madness, President Medvedev’s chief economic advisor, also a chess stud himself, supported UFO stricken Ilyumzhinov, calling to attention his “superior managerial talent.”

UFO detector

23-year-old Julie “Jitterbug” Pearce (the beginnings of her nickname are unknown), built a UFO- attracting device for the roof of her Duluth, Minn. home this past august. She reportedly built the alien inviting machine from parts she purchased from the estate of a laser-tech engineer. Jitterbug told the Deluth News Tribune that her machine’s “triangularly patterned strobe light design, looped radio transmissions, and laser light refracted through a quartz crystal may help signal aliens in the area.”

Capitalizing on crazy

Evidently, British insurance companies are known for writing the occasionally unconventional policy, covering eccentric and unusual risks, like Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson’s Alien Abduction Policy. The policy is the equivalent of $160,000 and covers: alien abduction, any pregnancies that result from said abduction, both male and female. This is in the event that aliens have “such extraordinary powers that they can impregnate males, according to the policy.

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