Dear Hank and Moonfall,
I want to stay in Worcester over the summer but I need to get a job or an internship. Do you have any advice for finding summer seasonal work?
Thanks,
Job Hunter
Dear Job Hunter,
Seeing as I am not currently “employed” in the traditional sense of the word, I may not be qualified to answer this question. However, I will do my best.
My advice to you is to first question your assumption that to stay in the wonderful city of Worcester you need a job. Take the opportunity to free yourself from the consumer culture that we find ourselves tangled in.
In fact, I have a job for you: take the summer to exist apart from the capitalist culture you take part in unthinkingly. Try joining a commune or living off of the land for the summer. It will surely be a rewarding and enlightening experience.
Have fun,
Moonfall Lightbeam
Hi there Job Hunter,
First things first, we need to have ourselves a little lesson in economics. You see, people want jobs and internships, that’s how you get money, experience, prestige… all that good s***.
So, it’ll come as no surprise that there just aren’t as many jobs as there are random people willing to work them.
So you should probably just accept the fact that you’re out of luck. Heck, if you give up then you won’t be counted towards the unemployment levels. Just consign yourself to a summer of bummery; it’s the patriotic thing to do.
Of course if you hate our great nation enough to continue with this foolish little crusade of yours, then I suppose I can give you a few pointers.
One of the most important parts of getting a job is putting yourself out there. I mean you can’t be hired if nobody knows who you are or that you’re looking for work. There are all sorts of ways to let people know that you want a job.
One resource is your local newspaper. You see many newspapers have sections in which singles and home sellers print blurbs to advertise their “goods.”
Why not get in on the action, print a little blurb about how great you are and how desperate for work you are? Some potential employers and/or suitors are sure to notice. Worst case scenario people show up at your house thinking that you’re selling it.
Another way to go about this is business cards. A tiny little card that says who you are, what you do, and where to find you. In your case you’ll probably want to highlight how desperate you are for employment, perhaps offer to do anything for cash. So now you’ve got yourself a pile of business cards.
Great, it’s time to distribute those to all the big wigs in town.
One way to do this is to stand on crowded street corners forcing your cards into the hands of passerbys. If you’re more the discerning type then perhaps you want to cast a narrower net. I recommend you find some classy upper crust restaurants, wealthy employers love that sort of place.
Now once you’ve gotten inside immediately head to the restrooms. Enter one of the middle stalls (only works if there is more than 1 stall). Now whenever someone enters one of the adjacent stalls simply pass them your card from beneath the divider. This way employers now how far you’re willing to go to get a job.
The resume is a classic tool of those seeking employment. This simple document details all your skills, attributes, and experiences; basically a cheat sheet of why employers should give a damn about you.
You should definitely draft up one of these handy little buggers. The key to a good resume is to lie blatantly. Boosts your attributes to inhuman levels, fabricate a false past that makes you seem more desirable, actual work experience.
Once you’ve perfected your new persona it’s time to get it in the hands of possible employers. The best way to do this is to place copies of it on the windshields of parked cars.
Another way to go about it is to wrap a copy of your resume around a large brick or rock. Take the newly wrapped stone and promptly lob it through the window of the nearest house. Rinse and repeat until you get the job you’ve been looking for.
Now maybe you’re lazier than I’m guessing you are and all this traditional job hunting is too much for you to handle. In that case there are some simple, more questionable avenues of employment.
Local gangs, mobs, mafias, and cults are always looking for fresh meat (quite literally in the case of cults). Just pop by their headquarters and explain how you really need some work experience. If you survive their initiation rituals and or hazing then you’re in. Sure you may have to break a few laws, but you’ll be able to make the sort of connections that can help you throughout your entire life.
Another short cut is to intern for the homeless. Hobos lead a rich and busy life and can certainly use any help they can get. Find one and explain your situation, I’m sure they’ll be able to find a use for you.
Think about it, you could be a scrap sniffer, a wagon pusher, or a pigeon wrangler. That’s the sort of thing a school or employer looks at and says “man this kid’s got some real character”. Speaking of wrangling you can always work for the city.
They have a dire need of orphan wranglers to keep the population of feral “street” children. It’s one of the most dangerous jobs around, but if you survive you’ll be branded a hero.
You can also try and sell your body to science, but I’m afraid scientists are far less willing to use human test subjects as much as you’ve been lead to believe.
Now movie studios, Chucky Cheese and its ilk, and roller rinks are all very willing to buy your body. I can’t really get into the details, just trust me on this one.
Now you’ve learned all I really feel like telling you about getting a job. I hope you have a fun time squandering this wealth of knowledge.
-Hank Finklestein
